We were at church last Sunday, worshipping and singing, when I noticed something.
Now, I have had small children with me every weekend that I have been at church for my adult life. This is what happens when you become a Christian when you get married. Lol.
I was trying to pay attention to the songs, all while watching my 3 little bundles of energy race around, when I noticed something.
My littlest, Munchkin, was moving back and forth between the adults. She would walk over to someone, hold her arms up, and have complete confidence that they would reach down, pick her up, and hold her safe.
Now I know, this was not a stressful situation, she was not nervous at all, but it was an eye opening moment for me anyways.
You see, I have been struggling a lot lately, trying to manage (or maybe control) my little world.
Having to organize, set-up, and research for Sweetie and her Aspergers diagnosis is a part time job these days.
Trying to pay the right amount of attention to my Little Dude, who has struggles of his own. Not including being a boy who is always surrounded by girls.
And my Munchkin, who is always active.
After a particularly exhaustingly adventurous weekend, wherein my Dude attempted to cook breakfast for us as a surprise (but mostly just managed to burn flour and eggs to a cookie sheet on top of my stove).
Then he and Munchkin discovered that Pam cooking spray on the floor made a great skating rink.
I tried to take them to church only to discover my SUV had an electrical fire.
And when I was dealing with my vehicle, my Munchkin made her own skating rink in the bathroom with all of the liquids she could get her sweet little hands on.
I was done.
I walked in to church, dropped my kids off with my in laws, and walked out crying.
I couldn’t do it.
I was never going to be enough for all of these little people.
God must have made a mistake when he decided to give me these little bundles of joy, because I was in no way equipped to do this whole mothering thing. I was failing miserably.
I mean, who ignores their children so much that they can get in to so much trouble in just a couple hours?!? Why weren’t the Child Services people knocking on my door right now?
I was a mess. My sister in law came downstairs and prayed for me, and told me that I was the perfect Mom for these kids, even if I didn’t feel like it. God doesn’t make mistakes, including making my family.
And then she proceeded to tell me how jealous she was of me as a mother. I was always taking my kids to cool places, giving them memorable experiences.
I was homeschooling them so that I could pour everything I had in to their little lives.
I worked from home, and worked part time outside the home while managing to do all of this.
From the outside looking in, she couldn’t believe that I could do all of this, and keep it up as long as I had. And that she had always wanted to be that kind of Mom, but just never managed to.
It struck me as kind of ironic that someone who I considered to be an amazing mother would be jealous of me, especially when I usually feel like such a mess.
I told her how I loved that she has great relationships with her kids, and that she knows all of their friends. She’s one of those cool Mom’s that her kids like to be around. Mine are just stuck with me. Lol.
We prayed, I fixed my face, and then I went back upstairs. My littles decided that they didn’t want to do church any more that day, and I just didn’t have any energy left to fight them to stay, so we went home.
And then the next weekend, I watched my little girl, go from family member, to friend and back again, completely confident that they had her.
And it dawned on me.
I wasn’t enough. But I was never supposed to be. I was supposed to reach my arms up to my heavenly Father, and trust that He had me. Because He does have me. All day, every day, even when I feel like an abysmal failure.
In the midst of all my mothering angst, my Munchkin already had it figured out. When I need Him most, I just have to seek Him and it will all work out. My job is to lean on the Father who will always pick me up, not to carry the world on my shoulders and feel defeated when I can’t hold it all up.
I have decided that the weekend where I felt so destroyed by my life, I will choose to view as a triumph. I loved my kids, and hugged them. Then I cleaned the floors, my husband fixed my truck, and we moved forward.
We didn’t stay in the hard days, or dwell on them. We triumphed over them, because we kept going, and chose to learn from those moments.
I took pictures of the mess, before we cleaned, so that I can look back on these days and remember these little moments, that one day, will be treasured memories.
And then the next weekend, God chose to show me that He was there, in it all.
I don’t know what you are facing today, but I do know that He has a plan. And it’s a good plan, even if it feels more like a valley than a beautiful mountain view right now. And that there is someone who is looking at your life, thinking about how amazing you are, and how they wish that they had a quality you don’t even remember you have. I know that some days, it feels like no matter how much you give, it will never be enough. So on those days, remember you are enough, and that you are here on purpose, for a purpose. A purpose so much bigger than you can even fathom. Think of my little girl, holding her arms up, knowing she will be held, and know that you can have that same thing, if only you trust and ask.
Heavenly Father, I pray that you would hold close those who are feeling defeated right now. I pray that you would bring people in to their lives that will lift them up to you, and will let them know that they don’t have to be perfect. They only need to be who you created them to be, and to strive to be better than they were before, not perfect, just better. Or at least trying to be better, even on those days when you feel less. I pray your wisdom and discernment over parents, and I pray that you would help us to give grace to our children, just as you show us grace. I pray that we would have the same trust as my toddler. And I thank you for granting me the ability to breathe life into these littles. In faith I pray. Amen.